A Life for Jesus

Live a life of Love

2012-01-16T23:07:00.003+08:00

"A new commandment I give unto you: That you love one another, as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By this shall all men know that you are my disciples, if you have love one for another." -John 13:34-35

"Live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." -Ephesians 5:2

I'm sorry, Lord,

for I have failed Your test of faith miserably.

I have failed to love as You commanded me to.

You taught me to love my enemies,

but all I did was to hurt him.

Help me, Father, please.
My sinful heart is not helping,
I'm struggling to love.

Grant me a loving heart, dear Lord,

so that I may be loving to him and her,

no matter how much they have hurt me.

I'm sorry, Lord, that I have dishonoured You,
I've sinned in my anger.

Help me to glorify You by loving my enemies, Father.

AMEN!

Clinging on

2012-01-16T04:59:00.003+08:00

the pain is getting worse,

it's so painful that it feels like every breath hurts.

and the worst part is,

she doesn't even care that it's hurting so badly.

I said I wouldn't cry anymore,

but I couldn't stop my tears when she accused us of being unfilial,

when all we did was to protect her and us.

my eyes are so swollen I can hardly open my eyes.

my heart aches so much I wish I'd never existed.

and so I was told that God knows how strong I can be,

so He's putting me through this,

to make me stronger for His glory.

oh me of little faith,

God has the faith that I'll become stronger than what I'd imagined I would be,

who am I to have no faith that I will survive this?

the pain is so excruciating,

the future so uncertain,

and dying seems ever so tempting.

yet it is for Christ alone that I'm clinging on,

it is Christ that I'm clinging onto.

He died so I may live.

He loves me and will never forsake me,

I must not give up on Him.

It Hurts

2012-01-15T02:08:00.003+08:00

You know what hurts me the most?
It's when the person I've spent all my life loving and thinking that she loves me as much turns her back and walks away.
It hurts me deeper and harder than any of my ex bf did when they left me.

My eyes are dry and painful from crying,
so I will cry no more.
I'll just pray.

Lord, if this is Your way of shaping me into the person You want me to be,
grant me the strength and courage to face this.
If this is Your way of testing my faith,
Father, please help me to trust that You are always in control.
Let me not sin out of anger or sadness,
remind me of how I should love as Jesus did.
Comfort my heart, O Lord,
for it is in so much pain.
In Your Son's most precious Name I pray,
AMEN!

Self-Check

2011-12-29T03:48:00.003+08:00

and yes, I've been developing strong feelings for this particular Christian guy.

But no, I'm not ready to start a courtship.

It is not easy to resist the temptation of trying to get closer to him,
but doing a regular self-check keeps me on the right path.

My Daily Self-Check/Reminders

Am I wanting marriage too much that I've been idolizing it? That marriage has become more important than God in my heart?
What's my motive of wanting a relationship with him? Is it just for my own emotional fulfillment or for the glory of God?
Will starting a relationship now with him distract us from serving God? Are my feelings for him distracting me from loving God and serving Him?
Am I trusting God that even if I lay down my feelings, emotions, hopes and dreams at His feet, He will still guide me through and have a perfect plan for me?
Am I loving God, studying His Word, deepening my relationship with Him, or am I wasting my energy and time trying to please the him I so like?
Am I basing my emotions and perceptions of him on fantasy? Do I truly know him enough to want to consider marriage with him?

"God's interest in all this is not limited to getting us married - He wants to use this process, and all the questions and uncertainties it involves to refine us, sanctify us, and increase our faith." -Joshua Harris

I am learning to entrust my questions of "how", "who" and "when" into God's tender care and trust that God is using this period of waiting to build me up spiritually.

Romance with Wisdom

2011-12-28T03:37:00.000+08:00

"You're ready to start a courtship when you can match romance with wisdom." -Joshua Harris in Boy Meets Girl

And you'll ask how do you even match romance with wisdom?
Let me share with you what Joshua Harris wrote in his book, which I think is very biblical.

Wisdom urges patience.

It takes patience to wait to start a relationship until you're truly ready to court with purpose. Then after you've started a purposeful relationship which works towards marriage, you'll need patience to make sure it unfolds at a healthy pace.
Wisdom calls us to slow down in our progression. Savor the "courses" of an unfolding love story - acquaintance, friendship, engagement, marriage. Take your time.
"I wait for you, O Lord, you will answer, O Lord my God" - Psalm 38:15
Patience is an expression of trust in God. We can be faithful and content right where we are.

Wisdom leads us to consider what's best for the other person.
Put our needs aside and base our decisions on what serves the interests of the other person. Will starting a relationship now hinder the spiritual growth of the other person?

Wisdom calls us to base our feelings and perceptions in reality.
We must fight the tendency to fill what's lacking in our knowledge of the other person with emotion based on fantasy. We need to discover who they really are and observe them in real-life settings. Make sure our feelings are flowing from reality, not wishful thinking or rationalization. We want our emotions to respond to who they really are and to the true status of the relationship. Have you taken the time to learn more about his/her character? Don't follow your feelings until you've tested them.

Queen Mama

2011-11-30T01:18:00.003+08:00

Today is the 4th day Queen Mama has been hospitalized.

She's now in ICU,

with breathing tube and a lot more other tubes in her.
They tried removing her breathing tube today,

but her condition worsened,

so they put it back in.

Scans and tests have been run,

but no conclusion has been reached.
We have absolutely no idea why she is suffering so much.

She's unable to speak,

and can barely move.
It pains my heart so much to see them tying her down,

because she's in such great pain and discomfort that she's struggling.
Mum isn't the sort of person who will struggle.

The day before yesterday I overheard a mother scolding her son,

and I thought,

how much would I give to hear Mum scolding me again.

So often in the past I got pissed with her comments,

but I miss hearing her voice now.

Brother Bear, Twinny and I are broken,

but I know we are all showing each other our brave side,

because we need to be strong,

for Mum and ourselves.

I don't want to be strong,

so Queen Mama,
please recover fast and let me lean on you again.
I still want to be dependent on you for a long long time.

Not Guiltless

2011-10-27T01:59:00.002+08:00

No, I'm not guilt-free.
I may have learned a lot from the book "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" by Joshua Harris,

but I am still struggling to put the lessons into practice.

I may post lessons I learned in Facebook as statuses,

in hope that they may help and remind fellow Christians,

but nah, I'm still far from being pleasing to God.

I'm still nursing a crush,

still elevating this man above God,

still wasting a lot of energy and time trying to please this man.

I'm still worried about how I look,

still conscious of how others see me.

I'm still a sinner.

And I'll always be one.
That's why I'll always need Jesus.
No matter how hard I try,
I'll still be far from being righteous,

far from God.

I lay my all at Jesus' feet.
He is all I need.

Let His salvation be my motivation to want to put God first and love Him with all of me.

Indelible Grace - I Asked The Lord

2011-09-27T23:19:00.002+08:00

I asked the Lord that I might grow

In faith and love and every grace

Might more of His salvation know

And seek more earnestly His face

Twas He who taught me thus to pray

And He I trust has answered prayer

But it has been in such a way

As almost drove me to despair

I hoped that in some favoured hour

At once He'd answer my request

And by His love's constraining power

Subdue my sins and give me rest

Instead of this He made me feel

The hidden evils of my heart

And let the angry powers of hell

Assault my soul in every part

Yea more with His own hand He seemed

Intent to aggravate my woe

Crossed all the fair designs I schemed

Cast out my feelings, laid me low

"Lord why is this," I trembling cried

"Wilt Thou pursue thy worm to death?"

"Tis in this way," The Lord replied

"I answer prayer for grace and faith"

"These inward trials I employ,

From self and pride to set thee free

And break thy schemes of earthly joy

That thou mayest seek thy all in me

That thou mayest seek thy all in me."

I Kissed Dating Goodbye Lesson 4

2011-08-23T08:40:00.006+08:00

Five Attitude Changes to Help You Avoid Defective Dating

1. Every relationship is an opportunity to model Christ's love.
The world will know we follow Christ by the way we love others. Hence, we must practice love as God defines it - sincere, servant-hearted, and selfless - not the world's brand of selfish and sensual love based on what feels good.

2. My unmarried years are a gift from God.
As a single we have the freedom right now to explore, study, and tackle the world. Use it to pursue more effective ministry and deeper friendships with people of both genders

3. I don't need to pursue a romantic relationship before I'm ready for marriage.
If two people can't make a commitment to each other, they don't have any business pursuing romance. They should limit the time and energy they invest in each other.
Have the patience to wait, seek close relationships with family and deep nonromantic relationships with brothers and sisters in the Lord.

4. I cannot "own" someone otuside of marriage.
Claim on another person's time, affection, and future before marriage is unwarranted.
By staking a claim on each other, we've stifled our individual growth and consumed enery that we should have directed into service and preparation for the future.

5. I will avoid situations that could compromise the purity of my body or mind.
Avoid placing ourselves in settings that encourage temptation.

The God-fashioned life leaves no room for pettiness, insincerity, wasted time, or selfishness.

Leaving dating behind is a by-product of God's primary desire for us to consume ourselves with seeking Him wholeheartedly.

We must always question ourselves, "Am I giving God my best?" - We will never experience God's best until we give God our all.

Good Struggle

2011-08-22T23:58:00.000+08:00

I'm struggling to put those lessons I learned from I Kissed Dating Goodbye into practice.
But I'll never give up,
it's a good struggle to have.

Before I knew it,
I was already looking at them.
I don't know if it's just curiosity,
or something else.
So I had a glimpse of how's he's doing,
and it brought back memories that hurt.

I don't think I still have any leftover feelings for him.
I'm very sure he's no longer the one who occupies my heart.
But I guess those memories will continue to haunt me for the rest of my life.

My heart ached a little.
But I know I'll be fine,
so long as Jesus is still in the centre of my life.

I Kissed Dating Goodbye Lesson 3

2011-08-07T13:24:00.003+08:00

Sinful and selfish people are the cause of sinful and selfish relationships.
Dating doesn't make us sin and getting rid of it wouldn't solve all our problems, but it's foolish to pretend that dating isn't at least part of the problem.
If we want to stay on the straight and narrow path and serve God, we cannot continue a practice that often pulls us in the wrong direction.

If you head out the same course with the same assumptions and attitudes as those who have fallen, do not hope that in the critical moment you'll be able to stay in control.

7 Habits of Defective Dating

1. Dating tends to skip friendship stage

One-on-one dating moves a guy & girl beyond friendship and towards romance too quickly.
Premise of dating: attraction towards each other.
Premise of friendship: enjoy common interests together
Intimacy without friendship is superficial
Relationships based solely on physical attraction and romantic feelings will last as long as the feelings last.

2. Dating tends to mistake a physical relationship for love.

Early introduction of physical affection into relationship added confusion - lips have met doesn't mean hearts have joined.
Focusing on the physical is plainly sinful - God demands sexual purity.
Physical involvement can make two people feel close but they'd probably discover that all they have in common is lust.

3. Dating isolates a couple from other vital relationships.

Even in serious relationships, it's not wise to isolate yourself from others.
If we make decisions about life based solely on the influence of one relationship, we'll probably make poor judgements.
Exclusive attention expected in dating tends to isolate a couple from friends who love them most, family who knows them best and God who is far more important that any romantic interest.

4. Dating can possibly distract young adults from their primary responsibility of preparing for the future.

Instead of serving in their local church and equipping themselves with the character, education and experience necessary to succeed in life, many are consumed by the present needs that dating emphasizes.

5. Dating can cause discontentment with God's gift of singleness.

God gives us singleness- a season of our lives unmatched in its boundless opportunities for growth, learning and service.
Find the beauty of singleness by using our freedom to serve God with abandon.
Instead of enjoying the unique qualities of singleness, dating causes people to focus on what they don't have.

6. Dating creates an artificial environment for evaluating another person's character.

A person doesn't need to accurately portray his/her positive and negative characteristics in that artificial environment.
Dating is fun because it gives us a break from real life.
To weigh the possibility of marriage, need to see each other in the real-life settings of family and friends - watch each other serving and working.

7. Dating often becomes an end in itself.

Instead of acting as a bridge between friendship and marriage, dating becomes the destination - not ending but not moving on, either. Since can experience emotional and physical privileges of marriage, many find little motivation for committing themselves to marriage, which is selfish.

I Kissed Dating Goodbye Lesson 2

2011-08-06T13:01:00.003+08:00

Intimacy - It means being close to someone. It's being vulnerable, open, and dependent. It's giving to and receiving from another person the deepest parts of who we are - our hopes, our fears, our secrets, our affections.

1. The joy of intimacy is the reward of commitment.
Deepening intimacy without defining a level of commitment is dangerous. It's like going mountain climbing with a partner who isn't sure he wants the responsibility of holding your rope. When you've climbed 2000 feet up a mountain face, you don't want to have a conversation about how he feels 'tied down' by your relationship.

2.Romantic passion is sweetest when it's growing out of a relationship that's deepening in devotion.

3. Benefits of an intimate relationship are closely linked to self-sacrificial love and commitment to another person's long-term good.

Let love and faithfulness never leave you, bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. -Proverbs 3:3

4. Do not arouse a hunger we cannot satisfy.
Do not "enjoy ourselves with love" without worrying about the good of others.

5.Intimacy without commitment, like icing without cake, can be sweet, but it ends up making us sick.

6. If unable to deepen in commitment and pursue the possibility of marriage, halt progression of intimacy at friendship stage.

7. Best relationships are between two people who care more about each other's good than their own momentary pleasure.

8. Intimacy without obligation leaves us feeling emptier than before. The intimacy is superficial. The sex leaves us dissatisfied and hungry for something real. something true.

ps: If you're interested in finding out more about intimacy and commitment, you can purchase Joshua Harris' I Kissed Dating Goodbye.

Rachel Anthony

2011-08-05T00:00:00.004+08:00

Rachel left us on Wednesday.

She was a follower of Christ.

She seemed to have taken her own life away.

This is very heartbreaking.

I wanted to post the lessons I learned from the 2nd chapter of I Kissed Dating Goodbye.

Upon hearing the news,

I think this post would be more urgent.

Jesus died for us to live,

it is sinful to take our own lives away.

Committing suicide just proves one thing,

that you do not have enough trust in God.

Trust that God will not put you in a situation you can't handle.

Trust that God has your best interest at heart, always.

Trust that if God puts you through hardship, He will take you out of it.

Trust that God will provide, even during sufferings.

Trust that God allows sufferings for us to grow and learn.

Trust that God loves you.

Your purpose on Earth is not just to enjoy life,

not to live for the sake of living.

As followers of our Lord Jesus Christ,

we have a mission, a purpose of living,

that is to share the good news of Jesus to everyone.

Let us not be blinded by the things on Earth;

BGR, marriage, studies, work, leisure etc.

Let us be focused on the Word of God.

If God is in the middle of everything,

nothing fails.

You will never find a reason to end your own life.

At all times, think of Jesus.

ps: As we mourn the death of Rachel, let us reflect on our own lives. What should we do now, when death is so inevitable? Don't pity the dead, pity the living.

I Kissed Dating Goodbye Lesson 1

2011-08-04T00:10:00.006+08:00

after reading chapter 1 of I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris again,

there are few lessons learned that I would like to share with fellow Christians out there.

1. God's amazing love for us at the cross provides both the example and the power for us to love others.

2. We used to be controlled by what felt good, but now, as new creations, we're to be controlled by God's love.

3. We can no longer live for ourselves - we now live for God and for the good of others.

4. Every relationship for a Christian is an opportunity to love another person like God has loved us - to lay down our desires and do what's in his/her best interest.

5. Make God's Word, not our feelings, the guide.

6. Our love is to be shaped by God's love - looks beyond personal desires and the gratification of the moment, looks at the big picture of serving others and glorifying God.

7. God wants not just physical purity, but also purity and blamelessness in our motives, minds and emotions.

8. We are unworthy sinners whom God chose to rescue and forgive. This is love.

When you stop seeing people of the opposite gender as potential boyfriends/girlfriends and start seeing them as brothers/sisters in Christ, you'll discover the richness in true friendship.

When you stop worrying about whom you're going to marry and trust in God's timing, you'll uncover the incredible potential of serving God as a single.

When you stop flirting with temptation in one-on-one dating relationships and start pursuing righteousness, you'll uncover the peace and power that come from purity.

Alone

2011-07-23T06:41:00.005+08:00

It seems to me that it's human nature to want to be alone.
We tend to choose seats where we don't have to sit with strangers on buses and trains.
Given a choice,
we would want to be alone.

Yet how ironic it is,
that most people are constantly looking for a partner.
When they are single,
they tell themselves they'll eventually find someone who belongs to them.
When they fall out of love,
they tell themselves they'll meet someone better.
It's either you're in or out of love.

Seldom you see someone who is out of that "cycle".
Someone who's not labelled as "single" or "attached".
Someone whose life is more than just BGR.
Someone who's so comfortable being alone,
and not looking or waiting for the other half to come.

How ironic we all are.
We seek to be alone when we have a choice,
yet we don't really want to be alone.

Short-lived

2011-07-20T04:41:00.002+08:00

Everything in this world is so short-lived,

happiness,

dreams.

In a matter of one year,

I'll be graduating from NTU,

and that will mark the end of my education life.

No matter how happy I am as a student now,
everything has to come to an end.

The dreams that I have now,

will they still exist when I start working?

The little joy I have as a student,

will I still find it when I become a working adult?

I don't hate growing up,
I hate the fact that everything that used to be so precious will become blurry.

I don't want to be blinded.
As I work my life away trying to earn a living,

I don't want to lose sight of the dreams I once held dear.

The dream of setting up a Christian school in a third world country,

the dream of having a dog farm,

the dream of travelling around the world proclaiming Christ the Saviour of the world...

I don't want them to be short-lived.

And A New Friend Found

2011-06-18T03:17:00.002+08:00

I thank God for you.

thank God that He has placed you in my life,

to remind and encourage me.

it's amazing how comfortable I feel sharing with you,

guess it's really because you're also a follower of Christ.

thank you so much for saying you trust me,

it means a lot to me.

you don't really know me,

yet you trust me;

I'm so touched I can cry.

thank you, my prayer warrior!

For God first loved

2011-06-13T00:58:00.002+08:00

it's not going to be easy for me,

the rest of this year.

but I'm not giving up,

I want to rejoice for the opportunities given to me to serve :)

Dear Father in Heaven,

let me serve out of love,

so that I may be a good living testimony to all around me.

help me not to be blinded by the worldly things,

teach me to trust in You to provide.
grant me a strong and faithful heart,

so that I may love You and Your people for the rest of my life.

for dear Lord You first loved, so I will love.

Amen!

My Sanity

2011-04-26T18:00:00.001+08:00

What about asking for peace.
What about asking for no comments.
I'm losing my sanity,
trust me when I say that.

I didn't want to do anything.
I don't want to do anything more than this.
I only wish for things to just pass.
Stop rubbing on it.
Let me have my peace.
Let me find my sanity.

I don't belong here

2011-04-25T16:05:00.004+08:00

Life's a bitch,
I don't even want to be here anymore.

School's killing me.
Nobody understands the tremendous stress I'm under.
People pretend to care, superficially.
I don't need the pretense.

I'm being taken advantage of everywhere I go.
Nobody will admit they're doing this to me.
Perhaps only when I die,
people will start listening,
and realise how badly they've been treating me.

I don't like to wallow in self pity,
and I'm not doing it.
I'm just stating facts.
But well, nobody will see it that way.
Because none is with me.
No one.

I've had enough of people venting their anger on me.
I've had enough of people taking me for granted,
always expecting me to be the one making all the hard decisions while they remain in their comfort zone.
I've had enough of being blamed for everything.
I've had enough of trying so hard to not explode when others raise their voice at me just because they aren't in the right mood.
I've had enough of trying to be patient when others are being so impatient towards me.
I've had enough of people judging me because of how bad I was in the past but totally disregard how much I've changed over the years.
I've had enough of people taking the my tolerance for granted yet disregard its existence.
I've had enough of people coming to tell me what to do, not because they're right and I'm wrong, but because I ain't doing things their way.
I've had enough of my life.

Now leave me alone.
Leave no comments.
Talk to me not.
I need my peace to find my sanity.

The Day

2011-04-20T01:04:00.003+08:00

As the day draws nearer,

I feel more and more empty.

I see the storm approaching,

but I can't run away.
I wish for a distraction,
I don't want to think.

Not Playing Along

2011-04-11T20:57:00.003+08:00

If you want to be that childish,

I'm not playing along.

Remember You

2011-04-08T01:23:00.002+08:00

Last year this time, I met you for the first time. I remember what you wore on the first day. The gap between us now is wider than it was. We started as fast as a rocket, and ended faster than a meteorite. I am not emo, I am just remembering you.

I always believe that a part of me will always be attached to my past,

no matter how far I've moved on.

I hope that when I'm really old and my memory is failing,

your smile is the only thing I can remember of you.

No Christian is an Island

2011-04-06T23:12:00.002+08:00

God is gracious.

He knows my heart,

knows that I'm terrified to go to church alone,

knows that it has always been a great struggle for me to make friends in church,

knows that I need someone to be accountable for me in my spiritual walk,

so He gave me them.

I'm not an island anymore :)

thank God for His love,
for He never places me in a situation I can't handle.

Love Your Enemies

2011-03-29T01:30:00.007+08:00

I was tempted to sin.

But my God is ever faithful,
He reminded me of His Word.

"Love you enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. "

"If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' lend to 'sinners,' expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because He is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful."

-Luke 6

in short, it's always easy to love people who are nice to you.
but it pleases God more for you to love those who have done wrong to you.

"Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace."

"In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold."

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful in building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."

-Ephesians 4

Lord, grant me a humble and gentle spirit.
Help me control that anger,
so that I will not sin in anger.
May You guide me as I choose the right things to say,
so that what I say may benefit those who listen.
Amen.

Dream

2011-03-20T00:32:00.002+08:00

You asked me to go over,
I was so happy.
It was the familiar feeling all over again,
me at your place.

I opened my eyes,
it was only just a dream.

For a brief moment,
I was disappointed.
But after some thoughts,
I think it's better this way.

I don't need a boyfriend,
I don't want one now.

Relationships

2011-03-16T03:24:00.002+08:00

Roger's mom sent me the forward sms regarding the nuclear leak.
Though it's a hoax,
I'm deeply touched by her concern.

She still treats me as a daughter,
but he has long treated me as a stranger.

How vulnerable is BGR.
How strong are true friendship and kinship.

I should stop having BGR and start building more strong friendships.

Friendship gives me strength and courage,
BGR takes them away.

Protected

2011-03-15T14:01:00.002+08:00

I'm Loved

2011-03-11T12:58:00.005+08:00

Thanks all my dearies for standing up for me.
I'm so touched that I have so many of you who love and trust me.

Thanks anonymous for leaving that comment,
because of you I no longer have doubts that I'm not loved.
Now I know who are those who truly love me.

Dearest, 0.5 sibling, Twinny, Jie Jie and Bro Bear,
all your comments made my day :)
I literally laughed out loud seeing what all of you had to say.
ILAOY!

Separation

2011-03-07T04:37:00.005+08:00

Check out how the sky was separated into half,
half cloud, half blue sky.
:)

Sometimes separation isn't as bad as we think, right?

It's just a matter of how we look at it.

Separation can be for a greater purpose.

Just like how much I've grown from the separation from Roger.

Like how the sky was separated so beautifully,

I want to see my separation from Roger as beautiful as well.

Ugly Singaporeans

2011-03-04T23:18:00.004+08:00

Some behaviours are just so intolerable.
I can't decide if these people are illiterate or dumb.

Tell me he couldn't see the no smoking sign at the left corner.
I admit it's small,
but it's common knowledge that smoking is only allowed in restricted zone at most public places.

Alright, to be fair, this is still OKAY.
He was digging his nose by the way.
Like c'mon! I really don't know where he shot that mucus of his.
He bit his finger nails minutes after I took this photo, just fyi.

Tell me again that he couldn't see the old man standing right beside him.
Or say, he didn't know that the seat that his fat arse was on IS reserved for people like the one on his left.
Or perhaps he was too blind to see that big blue sign above the seat before his fat arse landed on it.
All the time he was happily pretending watching some lame video from his friend iphone.
Okay, maybe I should do him some justice.
That old man didn't sit down when many other passengers alighted and many seats were vacant.
But that was after a long long time,
and I think he was alighting soon so he didn't want to sit down anymore.

Just how ugly can Singaporeans get.
TSK!

A Glimpse of Hope

2011-03-03T08:17:00.002+08:00

the few stalks we took back from grandpa's didn't survive,
but this one did.

seeing how it grows gives me hope.
each new leaf, a glimpse of hope.

Blessing in Disguise

2011-02-27T05:13:00.005+08:00

I was upset that he was so mean,

so mean to severe all ties with me.

But now I know it was all so that I could move on properly.

It must have been hard for him too,

to ignore me so totally,

when he loved me when he left.

He gave me the harshest treatment,

so that I would not harbour any false hope.

His cruelty is my blessing.

Thank you for loving me one last time by being cruel to me, Mr Roger Tay.

Camouflag

2011-02-26T15:45:00.001+08:00

kitty,
I almost couldn't see you.
:)

Twinny, Bestest, Dearest

2011-02-23T14:54:00.003+08:00

Twinny
thank you for giving me hugs regularly,
because I have no one else to keep giving me hugs.
thank you for being so patient when I keep sms-ing you,
because I am so used to sms someone for anything and everything.
without you at the other end of the line,
I'd have felt so empty.
long time ago,
I had Marlon to sms,
during lectures, breaks,
just anytime of the day when I was alone.
when he was gone,
Roger was there to take over his place.
I thought I was going to die not being able to sms anyone,
but you're there for me :)

Bestest
thank you for worrying about me all the time.
you're always so cool about things,
but you always show me your warmth.
you give me the best of you,
all the time :)

Dearest
thank you for being there whenever I need you.
you're always on standby for me,
always ready to reply my sms no matter how late it can get.
thank you for knowing and understanding my deepest emotions,
and not blaming me for being upset.
you never once forced me to stand up,
you always want me to take my time.
be it academic or BGR,
you're always there to help.

all 3 of you are a blessing to me.
I'd be so lost without you.

Close the Doors

2011-02-20T21:33:00.002+08:00

when one door closes,
the other opens up.

but I'm closing all the doors.

this is not a rash decision made because of a minor heartbreak.
I'm not the childish kind who will make this kind of decision that way.
I didn't lose hope.

I thought about the commitment I would have if I were to start another relationship,
and decided I have had enough of that.
I thought about the life I want in future,
and realised it's not a plan that can include a family of my own.

maybe I will change my mind,
maybe I will not.
but for now,
I'm sure this is what I want for the rest of my life.

Juvenile

2011-02-13T23:42:00.002+08:00

I can't believe you can be so childish.

I once so believed that you were matured enough,
matured enough to be the one for me,
despite the huge age difference.

I was so wrong.
After all that I've been through,
I can only say that you're very juvenile.

Bit by bit,
you're killing away all the feelings that are left in me,
even the feeling for a friend.
I lost all respect for you.

It's good that you're so immature,
now that I come to think of it.
At least it'll be easier for me to move on,
there's nothing left of you that I can't bear to let go now.

Let's hope that we don't ever see each other again.
You're too juvenile to handle that.

Better

2011-01-28T00:30:00.000+08:00

i'm glad,
i'm better now.

new focus,
less missing of him,
more smiles.

Back to December

2011-01-18T23:36:00.003+08:00

I'm so glad you made time to see me
How's life, tell me how's your family
I haven't seen them in a while
You've been good, busier than ever
We small talk, work and the weather
Your guard is up and I know why

Cause the last time you saw me
Is still burned in the back of your mind
You gave me roses and I left them there to die

So this is me swallowing my pride,
Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night
And I'd go back to December all the time
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing that I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I'd go back to December, turn around and make it alright
I'd go back to December all the time

These days I haven't been sleeping
Staying up playing back myself leaving
When your birthday passed and I didn't call
And I think about summer, all the beautiful times
I watched you laughing from the passenger side
Realised I loved you in the fall
And then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind
You gave me all your love and all I gave you was goodbye

So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night
And I'd go back to December all the time
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing that I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind
I'd go back to December all the time

I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile, so good to me, so right
And how you held me in your arms that September night
The first time you ever saw me cry
Maybe this is wishful thinking
Probably mindless dreaming
If we loved again I swear I'd love you right

I'd go back in time and change it but I can't
So if the chain is on your door, I understand

This is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night
And I'd go back to December
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing that I'd realised what I had when you were mine
I'd go back to December, turn around and make it alright
I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind
I'd go back to December all the time
All the time

You Don't Know

2011-01-18T10:52:00.002+08:00

I can't even utter the words "I love you"
Because my heart is cursing,
My yearning for you keeps overflowing.
It's like a thorn prickling in my throat,
Those sad words.
All day long, those sad words are only swirling in my ears.

I love you.
I love you forever.
Even if you don't see me.

I call out to you a thousand times, but you don't know it.
I wait for you, always standing here, but you don't know it.
Like a fool, my foolish love sees only you.
You don't know it no matter how much I call out to you.

Come Back To Me

2011-01-14T19:37:00.000+08:00

For every step I send you away my tears flow.
For every step that you go away my tears flow again.
You're going to a place where I can't reach,
Even if I spread my hands.
Unable to stop you,
I can only stand here crying.

What do I do? What do I do?
You are going away.
What do I do? What do I do?
You're leaving me behind.

I love you. I love you.
Even if I call it out,
You can't hear it
Because I'm only yelling it inside my heart.

All day I try to erase you, but I remember you.
All day I say goodbye, but I only remember you.
You're going to a place where I can't reach,
Even if I spread my hands.
Unable to stop you,
I can only stand here crying.

What do I do? What do I do?
You are going away.
What do I do? What do I do?
You're leaving me behind.

I love you. I love you.
Even if I call it out,
You can't hear it
Because I'm only yelling it inside my heart.

What do I do? What do I do?
You're the only one for me.

Without a Word

2011-01-11T05:47:00.001+08:00

Shouldn't have done it, should have ignored it
Like it wouldn't be seen, like it couldn't be seen.
I don't think I should have seen you.

Should have run away, should have pretended not to hear it
Like it wouldn't be heard, like it couldn't be heard.
I shouldn't have listened to your love.

Without a word, you made me know love.
Without a word, you gave me your love.
Made me fill myself with your every breath
Then you ran away.

Without a word, love left me.
Without a word, love tossed me aside.
Not knowing what to say,
My lips must be surprised.

Without a word, tears are coming down.
Without a word, my heart is breaking apart.

Grandpa

2010-10-26T01:10:00.004+08:00

as i typed the title for this entry,

i realised i'd never written one for grandpa before.

much regrets.

when i was younger,

i took for granted that grandpa would always be living with us.

i grew up knowing my family consisted of 6 people,

daddy, mummy, bro bear, sis, myself and grandpa.

i didnt know grandpa was "shared".

until grandpa went back to m'sia,

i realised i couldn't see grandpa everyday.

i began to understand that grandpa didnt belong to me alone.

however, it didnt stop me from loving him.

much of my memories with grandpa dated back to when he returned to m'sia.

he would always bring me to his durian plantation with his motorbike.

stopping along the way to the hut in the plantation,

he would ask me pick up the fallen durians.

i rem myself being really blind,

always unable to spot the durians among the fallen leaves.

but grandpa was always patient.

we would wait in the hut for hours for the durians to fall off the trees.

i used to enjoy watching him cleaning up the hut.

back at home,

i would always sit at the dining table and watch him cook dinner.

i loved the way he looked really professional.

his dinner always tasted plain,

always giving us the "healthier choice".

at night,

he would make himself a cup of coffee,

and a cup of milo for me.

we would sit at the back of the living room,

and watch the tv while enjoying our drinks.

i would always ask stupid random questions,

but he was always patient with me.

when we were done with our drinks,

i would follow grandpa to the kitchen where he heated up the leftovers.

then we would go and feed our cats and dogs.

we would feed the largest dog last,

and set it free to patrol the house for the night.

these are few of my fondest memories with grandpa.

i rem once when we visited 4th aunt at KL,

he was sharpening the knife at the back of the house.

i squad down in front of him,

and said,

"grandpa, when i grow up i want to earn a lot of money,

and provide for you. promise me you'll wait for me to grow up."

he promised me.

that was the most vivid memory of grandpa.

when i grew older,

time left for grandpa got lesser.

we stopped going back to m'sia so often.

but grandpa would always give us surprise visit at our place.

i would then follow grandpa to my aunts' place.

he would always buy me carrot cake along the way,

he knew i loved it.

i used to get excited when grandpa visited us,

though we didnt do much together.

i would always rush home after school,

to make sure i catch him in time before he returned to m'sia.

and he would always leave a few dollars for each of us,

bro bear, little princess and i.

whenever i felt unfairly treated by my family,

i would always write,

"i hate everyone except grandpa and grandma,"

how silly.

and when i grew even older,

i stopped cherishing moments like these.

i was always away from home when he came visiting.

to the point that he started complaining about my absence.

i returned to m'sia much less often,

always the same reason of being caught up in school.

these were the times that i missed out so much with grandpa.

only until recently,

i started getting afraid of losing grandpa.

i began to visit grandpa more often.

and i would always tell him i love him before i left for singapore.

i rem the last few visits to grandpa's.

once i watched him cook again,

and he was telling me it's better to use organic salt and sunflower cooking oil.

the other time he was happily showing me the supplements 2nd uncle bought for him.

i rem hinting him to do some activities that would engage him in thinking,

i was afraid he would be senile.

but he thought i was worried that his memory would fail.

and said he had good memories.

how cute.

once he was sharing with me his experiences in thailand and china.

he told me he loved the lamb soup in i-don't-know-thailand-or-china.

he said he would always return to the same restaurant for the lamb soup.

the owner of the restaurant even knew grandpa.

i asked if grandpa could speak thai,

he said a little.

i didnt like lamb soup, neither did i love china,

but i asked grandpa to bring me to those places to try the food he loved.

he agreed.

an agreement that will never be fulfilled.

the other time when he was opening up the last few durians of the season for us,

i told him to live with me when i start working.

my cousins teased me saying grandpa would need to do chores and cook for me if he lived with me.

grandpa said he didnt want to.

i told him i wouldnt let him do those.

i just wanted him to live with me.

he smiled.

i boasted about being grandpa's favourite,

but grandpa told us he loved all of us equally much.

no favourtism.

my sweet sweet grandpa.

the last durian that he opened,

was for brother bear and i.

i rem the last dinner he cooked for us,

a soup which i thought was too little.

it was like salted vegetable soup,

but i don't really know what.

i just rem watching him cooked,

and wondering why did he cook in such a small pot.

the scene is so vivid,

i'm having a hard time accepting the fact that i can never watch him cook again.

i took my last photo with grandpa before i left for home.

he was doing a "twist" sign,

so i followed suit.

but when the camera snapped,

he put his hand down and gave a wide smile.

a smile i'll never forget.

i rem the last time we left grandpa's before he left us.

he stood at the door.

i winded down the window of our car,

and shouted,

"grandpa, i love you! take care of yourself, bye!"

my last words for grandpa.

18th oct,

i returned to grandpa's,

only that grandpa would never answer to my greeting again.

he lied there,

head severely injured.

my heart broke.

i was always afraid of dead bodies,

i'd never touched one.

but i touched grandpa's hand,

knowing that i can never touch him again.

the funeral was like a nightmare to me.

it was like when i woke up,

grandpa would still be around.

for the 4 days,

memories of grandpa came flooding back.

i couldnt get the fact that grandpa is gone into my head.

only until the 5th day,

when we had to cremate grandpa,

that i forced the fact into my head that grandpa would vanish from the face of this earth forever.

what remain will just be his ash.

i cried my hardest.

we took out the stack of red packets we gave grandpa every chinese new year.

he kept them safe.

he said he wanted to use the money for our weddings.

my heart ached when i saw the note i wrote for him on the red packet just this chinese new year.

i asked him to wait for me.

just a few years and i could give him a better life.

i asked him to stay happy, healthy and safe.

he didnt wait for me.

we split the money among the 29 grandchildren,

though not all contributed.

we wanted everyone to have something of grandpa's to keep,

to remember his love for us.

that RM50 note i received will never be spent.

i planned a future with grandpa in it.

i thought it out carefully.

but i'd forgotten to plan one that has no grandpa.

now that he is gone,

who is there to fill up those holes.

we had so many promises;

he promised to wait for me to provide for him,

he promised to bring me to china and thailand,

he promised to be there for my graduation,

he promised to be there to carry my child,

he promised to be there...

there were so much i'd yet to give.

why did you have to go, grandpa?

it will never be the same without you.

thank you for the 23 years minus 1 month.

your love stays, no matter where you go.

ps: i love mummy even more now. it is of grandpa's (and of course my own) wish that i give mummy a good life, so i ought to work harder now.

A call away

2010-06-30T23:43:00.000+08:00

Day 181
say you need me and i'll be there (ohana version)

Understanding

2010-06-29T23:42:00.000+08:00

Day 180
i need to grow up.

Wait

2010-06-28T23:41:00.000+08:00

Day 179
from waiting to being waited

Departure hurts

2010-06-27T23:40:00.000+08:00

Day 178
hate leaving grandpa behind :(

To Hometown

2010-06-26T23:38:00.000+08:00

Day 177
back to grandpa.

ps: because i drew this late, it brought tears to my eyes.

i miss him so much.

Irony

2010-06-25T23:37:00.000+08:00

Day 176
irony of life

Siblings

2010-06-24T23:35:00.000+08:00

Day 175
siblings don't fight forever :)

We Fit

2010-06-23T23:32:00.000+08:00

Day 174
you're the missing jigzaw piece :)

Hearty Dinner

2010-06-22T23:47:00.000+08:00

Day 173

nothing beats returning home to a hearty dinner with my beloved after a long tiring day :)

Prediction

2010-06-21T23:46:00.000+08:00

Day 172

so he said.

Old Couple

2010-06-20T23:46:00.000+08:00

Day 171

love seeing old couples being loving :)

Coke Addict

2010-06-19T23:45:00.000+08:00

Day 170

coke addict am i :)

Peeping

2010-06-18T23:44:00.000+08:00

Day 169

my students kept peeping at baby.

tsk!

ATTITUDE!

2010-06-17T23:43:00.000+08:00

Day 168

I HATE ATTITUDE!

Checklist

2010-06-16T23:42:00.000+08:00

Day 167

couple items checklist.

love having couple stuffs with you :)

Stay Home

2010-06-15T23:41:00.000+08:00

Day 166

stayed at home and rot whole day

Leave Me Alone

2010-06-15T15:42:00.001+08:00

as of now,

i wish the world can just leave me alone.

New Haircut

2010-06-14T23:40:00.000+08:00

Day 165

baby has a new haircut.

i'm lovin' it!

Acceptance

2010-06-13T23:39:00.001+08:00

day 164

baby gets along well with my friends :)

Angry Baby

2010-06-12T23:38:00.000+08:00

Day 163

Baby got angry with me for the first time :(

Laughters

2010-06-11T23:36:00.002+08:00

Day 162

miss laughing with Jasmine.

i see her everyday but most of the time my attention is just on baby.

realise i miss playing with her :)

Prank

2010-06-10T23:35:00.000+08:00

Day 161

played prank on baby with jasmine and mommy tay :)

Couple Rings

2010-06-09T23:34:00.000+08:00

Day 160

bought our couple rings :)

A Message Away

2010-06-08T23:33:00.001+08:00

Day 159

just say you need me and i'll be there

Pixon Died

2010-06-07T23:32:00.000+08:00

Day 158

my sweetie pixon died :(

Out Fishing

2010-06-06T23:31:00.000+08:00

Day 157

out fishing with baby's family :)

i caught the biggest catch :)

Kuishinbo

2010-06-05T23:30:00.000+08:00

Day 156

Kuishinbo buffet with Ohana :)

Wait

2010-06-04T23:28:00.001+08:00

Day 155

baby came to tuition centre to wait for me :)

HTHT

2010-06-03T23:32:00.000+08:00

Day 154

love heart-to-heart talk with baby :)

Cleaning Up!

2010-06-02T23:31:00.000+08:00

Day 153

I forced baby to clean up his room with me :)

Monday Blue

2010-06-01T23:29:00.000+08:00

Day 152

Monday Blue came late :(

Awesome Dinner

2010-05-31T23:28:00.000+08:00

Day 151

I cooked for Queen Mama and Brother Bear :)

Gold Kiwi

2010-05-30T23:27:00.000+08:00

Day 150

I Love Gold Kiwi!

and it's good for health!

Never Enough

2010-05-29T23:26:00.000+08:00

Day 149

I cant get enough of Baby :)

Shrek 3D

2010-05-28T23:25:00.000+08:00

Day 148

watched Shrek 3D with baby :)

First Visit

2010-05-27T23:24:00.000+08:00

Day 147

Baby's first visit to our place :)

Careless

2010-05-26T23:23:00.000+08:00

Day 146

careless me cut myself while preparing dinner for us and his little sisters.

One Level UP!

2010-05-25T23:21:00.000+08:00

Day 145

level up in our relationship :)

P.O.P

2010-05-24T23:18:00.000+08:00

Day 144

Jasmine's P.O.P.

but stupid migraine spoiled my fun :(

Jealous Friend

2010-05-23T23:15:00.000+08:00

Day 143

i still love my friend.

Love My Hometown

2010-05-22T23:13:00.001+08:00

Day 142

back to hometown.

back to grandpa.

Sticky Us

2010-05-21T23:12:00.000+08:00

Day 141

we're sticky like sticky chewy chocolate :)

Future with Me

2010-05-20T23:11:00.000+08:00

Day 140

you're planning a future with me

i feel so loved.

Project 365

2010-05-19T23:09:00.000+08:00

Day 139

rushing out project 365

Circle of Trust

2010-05-18T23:07:00.000+08:00

Day 138

Thank you for allowing me in :)

Marlon's New Love

2010-05-17T23:19:00.000+08:00

Day 137

happy for Marlon's new found love

stay blissful, my friend.

Hugs

2010-05-16T23:12:00.001+08:00

Day 136

love hugging baby.

come to think of it,

i love hugs in general :)

Clubbing

2010-05-15T23:10:00.000+08:00

Day 135

First time clubbing with baby.

he protected me like a gem.

i'm loved :)

Cloud 9

2010-05-14T23:52:00.000+08:00

Day 134

baby, you put me on cloud 9.

Waiting

2010-05-13T23:50:00.000+08:00

Day 133

nanny baby's sisters while waiting for him to come home to me.

i feel like his wife.

Ip Man 2

2010-05-12T23:16:00.000+08:00

Day 132

first movie with baby

Steamboat

2010-05-11T23:06:00.000+08:00

Day 131

steamboat with baby's friends.

baby's sweet even with his friends around.

he's my sugar pie really :)

S19 Class Gathering

2010-05-10T23:54:00.000+08:00

Day 130

class gathering = camwhore for girls

guys just watch, and be photographers

Mummy's Day Celebration

2010-05-09T23:43:00.000+08:00

Day 129

Mummy's Day celebration with Mummy Beloved

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ALL MOTHERS OUT THERE!

Mommy's Day Celebration

2010-05-08T23:37:00.000+08:00

Day 128

Mommy's Day celebration with Mommy Tay

she has MANY kids :)

Miss You More

2010-05-07T23:34:00.000+08:00

Day 127

my students made me miss you more, baby!

Pile of Mess

2010-05-06T23:32:00.000+08:00

Day 126

10hrs = tip of the pile cleared only